Thursday, September 27, 2012

How NOT to look hot in a mini van, and other things

Since I last spoke on the topic of looking hot in a mini van, allow me to now speak on how NOT to look hot in a mini van.

Hypothetically, of course.

Let's say a  mom gets up early in the morning and makes pumpkin-flavored coffee.She wears her favorite coral skinny jeans and 4-inch wedge heels.
She signs all of her son's school papers and tucks them neatly inside his folder. She even remembers to pack 2 snacks for him because it's chorus day, and he'll need an extra. They leave the house in plenty of time to make it to school, even if they have to sit through a light 3 times because traffic is heavy. Traffic is always heavy. They make it 2/3 of the way to school, and then it happens.

The mom knows immediately. Her heart sinks. The lights come on. The steering is out.

You see, while she runs here and there and makes it to ballet and school and church and rehearsals and while her day planner is heaped with masses of ink and highlighter, she neglected to heed the warning of the tiny but insistent gas light on her dash, and so now...she sits.

Hypothetically, of course.

She will call her husband eight times, but since he got off work at 5 AM, he'll be in a dead can't-wake-him-unless-you-shake-him sleep.

And he won't answer.

Then she'll call her brother-in-law because he works close by, but while she's pleading with him, it will hit her that her Father-in-law's office is also near. She calls and he answers immediately. He can be there within 15 minutes.

And so they sit.

Hypothetically, of course.

Let's say this mom and her son were on a highway, and traveling at 55 mph. Let's also say that while she was able to coast for quite a while, she couldn't make it to the shoulder of the road.


She's in the middle of it.


Not moving.

In a mini van and fabulous 4-inch wedges.

While she's waiting, she just might decide to see how strong she is, and despite the fact that she's in fabulous 4-inch wedges, she'll throw it in neutral, stick a leg out, and try to move her car. Oh yes she will. She'll try, but goshdarnitall, she's just not strong enough. Nor is she really trying, because she'd kinda hate to get all dirty before work and whatnot.

After a couple of futile attempts to move an entire mini van with one leg, she'll give up and sit. And check facebook. And look at the cars on the road that are moving. After 5 more minutes, a Police Officer will stop behind her and offer to push it to the side of the road. She'll be so grateful that she'll want to throw her arms around him, but realizes this might be a bit awkward. Plus, she's got a hot hubs sleeping at home, so she simply throws it back into neutral and forces the now dead steering wheel to the far right.

It starts to rain.

Sweet Police Officer is pushing with all his might, but it's slow-going because, well, it's a mini van with two people and a double stroller and about 200 cds inside. It's heavy.

The rain goes from drizzle to pour.


A random guy in a truck passes by, and seeing the whole 'Police Officer pushing a mom and her son in a mini van in the rain' situation, decides to throw his weight behind the mini van as well. Within 30 seconds, the van has made it to the shoulder. The mom almost forgets to throw it back in park. The van may have rolled backwards a few inches.

She thanks the Police Officer again, who runs back to his car because it's still raining. Random guy-in-truck will take off quickly. Probably because he's soaking wet.

They sit.

After 5 more minutes, Father-in-law is there, gas can in hand. She thanks him profusely for his help, and in no time at all, they are both on their way.

As this mom heads towards school, it dawns on her that while the Police Officer was pushing her van, he would have been staring at her license plate.

Which has expired.

Because, you see, she hasn't scheduled time to do that either.



*Into the Woods moves into the Bama this Friday night.

* On Saturday, the cast performs at River Market from 9:00-11:00 AM. If you're local, please come out and see us! And buy some tomatoes!

* On Sunday, we'll rehearse from 2:00-9:00 with tech and costumes. (And no worries- I'm totally giving them a break to eat.)

*On Monday night, we'll have our 2nd dress rehearsal

*On Tuesday, we'll have 2 hours to run each of the musical numbers in the show because there's a movie showing that night in the theatre. (sigh)

* On Wednesday, the show opens. We'll do two school performances- one at 9:00 and one at 12:00. My son's class will be attending Wednesday and I'm super pumped that I'll get to watch with him. After the 2nd performance, I'll make a mad dash home to pick up my favorite 3 year-old & her tutu and then zoom to ballet. Please God, let there be gas in the van.

*On Thursday, my son's class will travel to the Georgia Aquarium, and while I'd planned to be at the school performances that day, I can't miss this trip. I don't want him that far away from me without me, and how many times do you go to the GA Aquarium with your 2nd grade class? Just once.

*On Friday, my girls and I will be going to a Bridesmaids brunch, where we'll eat fabulous food and wear frilly dresses. After picking up O from school, we'll head home to get gussied up for the rehearsal dinner. At some point during the day, I'll call my fabulous stage manager to see how the shows are going. I'm also hoping to pop in backstage before the wedding festivities to see the cast and tell them to break a leg. Please for the love, someone clone me.

*On Saturday, my one and only little seester becomes Mrs. Chad Clark.

Big day.

There is also a special event happening that day at the theatre prior to the matinee that I'll write more about soon.

*On Sunday, the show closes and we'll strike the set and have a par-tay.

*On Monday, I'll teach all day, and then direct my first concert of the year with half of the 2nd graders at my school. We'll be dressed in 50's attire while we belt out songs by the Beatles and Elvis and Little Richard.

*On Tuesday, I'm thinking of getting a sub and collapsing in a heap on the ground.

**And on MORE THAN ONE OF THOSE DAYS, I'll be putting gas in my van. Weather it needs it or not**
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